I understand this feeling very well as I lived it through my youthful years at home, and after I was grown and living with an abusive husband. I am not sure what caused them to be that way, but perhaps they lived in a generation when there was one of the great wars, and life was uncertain, especially for a woman who might at any time become a widow. If she had children, all the more difficult. And women in my mother’s day were so supressed in their desires to use their heads in jobs that might have been rewarding psychologically as well as in a monetary sense. As soon as WWII was over, women were expected to go back home and be “the perfect housewife” who made nutritious meals for the husband, and to learn important things like playing bridge and how to make her hair shine. Even her aprons were pretty silly for being something to work in – all frilly and made of silly fabrics like organza. So no wonder that the women acted the ways they did. They had no real importance of their own.
By the way, I call these little sayings our moms did “momisms.” One of my mom’s momisms was “Take the Bull by the Horns.” At least if we can look at those things in a humorous light, it might help us some to understand the things our mothers did. My mother ironed her slips and our underwear and sheets. How ridiculous can that be? We are lucky that we live in a different world, though we still have to fight to be recognized AND treated fairly and with respect and dignity. I wanted to be in the military and my mom said no. I wanted to be a nurse, and it was no again. Airline stewardess? NOPE. Women needed to find a man who had a good job, get married and have children. Well, that sure did work out well! So here I am at 77, and I have finally been able in this latter part of my life to achieve professional goals that I wanted, but I will always regret that I never got to do some of the ones I really wanted to do.
So regardless of what your mom says or said, now you can understand and so go on and do what is in your heart and spirit regardless. If you get into a bad marriage, well, it is nothing on our moms, and it will educate us how to do it better next time around as it did me.
The key is to recognize who your mom is and where that stuff came from. It is very little about you, and everything about her. What do you bet that her mom did the same thing or things!
Be who you want to be in your heart, and do it with enthusiasm. Don’t let anyone stop you along your way. If you make a mistake and it doesn’t turn out to be right for you, you will know better in the future. I wish you the very best life has to offer for this New Year and all the years that follow. Anne always
Never a truer word spoken. Most people cannot deal with someone who has any kind of mental issues. Too bad because I think if a person felt accepted, they could get over it possibly. Maybe not though. Happy New Year always, Anne
Anne you are completely right. Having strong social support is essential in helping treat these conditions. But unfortunately, a lot of support is is gone and cannot be found when you need it the most.
That is very true, so we have to learn how to take care of ourselves when that happens. I have been where you are talking about a number of times in this life. I had to help myself get through each day one tiny step at a time. It was never easy, but it did get better through the years as I began to get better results. A good example is that when things would happen that I could not handle, I used to say, “I’m going to end it all,” but today when it happens, I just say “I’m feeling overwhelmed.” BIG DIFFERENCE! And I think in reality, that is the crux of the issue. We ARE overwhelmed at times, and it is ok to acknowledge that. But that still leaves us with the possibility of change, and this good old earth is all about change. Nothing, but nothing stays the same even though it might look the same. When you release a breath, you are breathing in the past, and when you draw in a breath, you are breathing in the future. So life itself is change every single breath. That should help to understand the nature of things in this world some. We, as women, are very fortunate. I have often said that men are many times pre-verbal. They are raised so differently than women. It is NOT ok for a man to cry in our society, or to show signs of weakness, whereas we women are totally encouraged to do those things. And often, when we first get together with a man, we “love” him because everything is new and everything feels good. But we feel so good that we forget to have conversations about things we begin to see, but perhaps don’t know how to address. “How do you feel about having a family?” “What was you mother like (or is she like?)” “What are your goals in life?” and on and on. Instead, we focus on “falling in love” and what feels good must be good.
So are my own goals in a relationship realistic? Do I have certain unspoken expectations? Is it possible that my significant other is doing something that is entirely against my own life expectations or beliefs? Is he using drugs, drinking, or perhaps having multiple affairs? Is he cold in wanting to do things as a family? Did I ever ask him what his home life was like when he was a child? Or later?
It is critical that we discuss these things early on in a relationship because it is rare indeed for us to be able to change another person. If anything, we must change ourselves. And if we are not able to change our own thoughts related to a relationship (and sometimes it is not good to change, say with regards to drinking, drugs, or physical violence), then we will ALWAYS have difficulties even if we change the person we are in a relationship with. I have had to learn these lessons over the years and it has not been easy, but I saw that a lot of my expectations were ones I learned from others such as mothers and other females, and not anything I was born with. Good luck and I know you can do it if it is important enough to you. Relationships are like bank accounts. If we keep putting our time into them but do not stick with our investments, slowly the bank account gets drained forever. And sometimes not so slowly either. Getting into repeated relationships teaches us nothing. Sticking with a person and learning the art of negotiation or how to accept others as they are, and as they are not are good skills for all of us.
More compassion is needed for those who have mental challenges. I don’t understand why we give our attention to those with broken bones or with cancer, but turn our backs on those with mental health issues. I suppose it’s because the general population does not understand this illness. But with more and more people being vocal about it I am hopeful that the understanding of others will increase. Happy New Year to you and thank you for reading Tovarysh.
PsiHub 
Yep – “just get over it” sums up my mother!
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Hey there. I am sorry to hear that your mother is feeling that way. What about your other family members or friends?
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My dad does not say a word. I have no other family. I have a few friends, but none are reliable.
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I understand this feeling very well as I lived it through my youthful years at home, and after I was grown and living with an abusive husband. I am not sure what caused them to be that way, but perhaps they lived in a generation when there was one of the great wars, and life was uncertain, especially for a woman who might at any time become a widow. If she had children, all the more difficult. And women in my mother’s day were so supressed in their desires to use their heads in jobs that might have been rewarding psychologically as well as in a monetary sense. As soon as WWII was over, women were expected to go back home and be “the perfect housewife” who made nutritious meals for the husband, and to learn important things like playing bridge and how to make her hair shine. Even her aprons were pretty silly for being something to work in – all frilly and made of silly fabrics like organza. So no wonder that the women acted the ways they did. They had no real importance of their own.
By the way, I call these little sayings our moms did “momisms.” One of my mom’s momisms was “Take the Bull by the Horns.” At least if we can look at those things in a humorous light, it might help us some to understand the things our mothers did. My mother ironed her slips and our underwear and sheets. How ridiculous can that be? We are lucky that we live in a different world, though we still have to fight to be recognized AND treated fairly and with respect and dignity. I wanted to be in the military and my mom said no. I wanted to be a nurse, and it was no again. Airline stewardess? NOPE. Women needed to find a man who had a good job, get married and have children. Well, that sure did work out well! So here I am at 77, and I have finally been able in this latter part of my life to achieve professional goals that I wanted, but I will always regret that I never got to do some of the ones I really wanted to do.
So regardless of what your mom says or said, now you can understand and so go on and do what is in your heart and spirit regardless. If you get into a bad marriage, well, it is nothing on our moms, and it will educate us how to do it better next time around as it did me.
The key is to recognize who your mom is and where that stuff came from. It is very little about you, and everything about her. What do you bet that her mom did the same thing or things!
Be who you want to be in your heart, and do it with enthusiasm. Don’t let anyone stop you along your way. If you make a mistake and it doesn’t turn out to be right for you, you will know better in the future. I wish you the very best life has to offer for this New Year and all the years that follow. Anne always
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Never a truer word spoken. Most people cannot deal with someone who has any kind of mental issues. Too bad because I think if a person felt accepted, they could get over it possibly. Maybe not though. Happy New Year always, Anne
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Anne you are completely right. Having strong social support is essential in helping treat these conditions. But unfortunately, a lot of support is is gone and cannot be found when you need it the most.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is very true, so we have to learn how to take care of ourselves when that happens. I have been where you are talking about a number of times in this life. I had to help myself get through each day one tiny step at a time. It was never easy, but it did get better through the years as I began to get better results. A good example is that when things would happen that I could not handle, I used to say, “I’m going to end it all,” but today when it happens, I just say “I’m feeling overwhelmed.” BIG DIFFERENCE! And I think in reality, that is the crux of the issue. We ARE overwhelmed at times, and it is ok to acknowledge that. But that still leaves us with the possibility of change, and this good old earth is all about change. Nothing, but nothing stays the same even though it might look the same. When you release a breath, you are breathing in the past, and when you draw in a breath, you are breathing in the future. So life itself is change every single breath. That should help to understand the nature of things in this world some. We, as women, are very fortunate. I have often said that men are many times pre-verbal. They are raised so differently than women. It is NOT ok for a man to cry in our society, or to show signs of weakness, whereas we women are totally encouraged to do those things. And often, when we first get together with a man, we “love” him because everything is new and everything feels good. But we feel so good that we forget to have conversations about things we begin to see, but perhaps don’t know how to address. “How do you feel about having a family?” “What was you mother like (or is she like?)” “What are your goals in life?” and on and on. Instead, we focus on “falling in love” and what feels good must be good.
So are my own goals in a relationship realistic? Do I have certain unspoken expectations? Is it possible that my significant other is doing something that is entirely against my own life expectations or beliefs? Is he using drugs, drinking, or perhaps having multiple affairs? Is he cold in wanting to do things as a family? Did I ever ask him what his home life was like when he was a child? Or later?
It is critical that we discuss these things early on in a relationship because it is rare indeed for us to be able to change another person. If anything, we must change ourselves. And if we are not able to change our own thoughts related to a relationship (and sometimes it is not good to change, say with regards to drinking, drugs, or physical violence), then we will ALWAYS have difficulties even if we change the person we are in a relationship with. I have had to learn these lessons over the years and it has not been easy, but I saw that a lot of my expectations were ones I learned from others such as mothers and other females, and not anything I was born with. Good luck and I know you can do it if it is important enough to you. Relationships are like bank accounts. If we keep putting our time into them but do not stick with our investments, slowly the bank account gets drained forever. And sometimes not so slowly either. Getting into repeated relationships teaches us nothing. Sticking with a person and learning the art of negotiation or how to accept others as they are, and as they are not are good skills for all of us.
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More compassion is needed for those who have mental challenges. I don’t understand why we give our attention to those with broken bones or with cancer, but turn our backs on those with mental health issues. I suppose it’s because the general population does not understand this illness. But with more and more people being vocal about it I am hopeful that the understanding of others will increase. Happy New Year to you and thank you for reading Tovarysh.
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Hey there!
Thanks for stopping by.
You are completey right that more compassion is needed for people who are suffering from mental health illnesses.
Happy New Year to you too 🙂 I wish you all the best.
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Even Harder, when people do not realize when you get over, and still keep one under the label!
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